Eileen Z. Fuentes | Guest Post: Man vs. Juice Cleanse
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20 Apr Guest Post: Man vs. Juice Cleanse

BY Led Black (@Led_Black)

mcgangbang man food www.thespeach.com

Photo: ny.eater.com

Ok, before I even retell my tale of how I survived my first ever juice cleanse for 3-very-LONG-grueling-days.

Understand this, I am the mirror opposite of my wife, Eileen Z. Fuentes aka “The SPEACH gal”.

In fact, in my humble estimation, my wife is what I lovingly like to call a nutrition Nazi, my very own health Hitler. My wife has, at various times, experimented with vegetarianism, veganism, even a raw foods diet. She is into ayurvedic medicine, acupuncture, qigong and Reiki. If you don’t even know what any of these things are, don’t worry that means that you are a normal person. The reason I know this is because I married a crazy woman, who prefers room temperature water (cold water shocks the body – wtf?) and eschews Q-Tips saying mineral oil drops is a more holistic approach to ear canal upkeep.

I first heard of pink slime, the unctuous meat stuff that is found in spades in beef patties, during one of my wife’s early morning food sermons during breakfast. Great – thanks honey, I didn’t really want to finish my breakfast anyway.

My wife likes brown rice, spelt bread (yuck) and quinoa (yuck squared) and various other foods that are decidedly alternative and uncannily un-tasty.  Me? I am a different animal. I am a meat and potatoes, beans and rice, kind of guy. I love food. I also enjoy a nice glass of wine with a good meal. Not to mention beer. I LOVE beer! In a Homer Simpson, Cliff from Cheers, kind of way.

I grew up in an old school Dominican household in Washington Heights, NYC where meat is the cornerstone of every meal and where vegetarianism is almost a bad word. I love salchichon, longaniza, cachapas, patacones and fritura. If you don’t know what those things are either, that’s fine too, just know that they are fried and they are delicious.

I say all that to emphasize that doing a 3-day juice cleanse is just not something I would have ever done. For my wife and her ilk, on the other hand, something like this is a mere rite of passage. The reason I made the jump to the other side is, first, Eileen agreed to pay for my cleanse juices, which was a considerable amount of money. Let me get this straight, I have to pay someone to starve myself. Really?

Secondly, I had an extended cold that really kicked my butt and I thought a juice cleanse would be just the thing to clean out what political funnyman, Bill Maher, refers to as “aggregate toxicity” in the body. Let me clarify this as well, these things I consumed instead of food weren’t really juices. The word juice denotes sweet, light liquids that are ultimately refreshing. These things were nutrient-rich, quasi-liquids.

The first day totally sucked. Not only was I still reeling from my cold but to add insult to injury, I couldn’t eat. Since we live in close proximity to my mother-in-law, I could smell every ingredient in her food wafting from her apartment downstairs directly into my nostrils. In the morning she made my favorite morning meal, mangu y los tres golpes (Boiled mashed plantains with fried salami, eggs and fried cheese). And instead of that, I had to consume, get this, a “juice” that consisted of romaine lettuce, cucumber, celery, kale, and parsley. Yum-O! I also, for some reason, wanted to only watch the Food Network and spent the entire day fixated and salivating over all those delicious creations.

The second day sucked as well. I was still sick and on top of that, I was super-hungry and lethargic. My mother-in-law was still cooking up a storm downstairs and I had to consume the ungodly concoction of cucumber, spinach, celery and jalapeno. That isn’t even right.

The third day, more of the same, but at least I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was already planning for my big beef extravaganza that was going to be my first meal. I already had my sights on a top-notch burger inspired by one of the many shows I saw during my Food Network marathon.

Then it was over. Those cravings I had, never materialized. In fact, I wasn’t really hungry all day and I ate only sparingly. I also experienced an acute clarity that was absolutely mind-blowing. I have to say, but please don’t tell my wife, I am actually glad that I went through with it and may do it again some day. While I still don’t like spelt bread or quinoa and I’m not joining my wife’s weird food cult, I do feel that this cleanse was a personal breakthrough.

“You can’t keep doing the same thing everyday and expect different results.” ~ Albert Einstein

Led Black is my dear husband and Editor-In-Chief of UptownCollective.com, a hyper-local blog for the Northern Manhattan neighborhoods of Washington Heights and Inwood.

Related Posts:

My 3-Day Juice Cleanse

My 3-Day Juice Cleanse: Part I

My 3-Day Juice Cleanse: Part II

My 3-Day Juice Cleanse: Breakthrough & Breaking the Fast 

Eileen Z. Fuentes

After a breast cancer diagnosis in 2008, Eileen became her own Self-Healthcare Activist. She is an Integrative Cancer Coach and works full-time helping patients do more than just survive at Columbia University’s Cancer Center in New York City.

  • Kate
    Posted at 10:37h, 20 April Reply

    Way to go Led! Glad you kicked the cold with a different type of “medicine”. Your wife is on to something 😉 But nothings wrong with a good burger…

    • Eileen
      Posted at 20:55h, 20 April Reply

      Agreed… the “your wife is on to something part”… thanks Kate

  • Mercedes D'Alessandri
    Posted at 10:38h, 20 April Reply

    Led, I have not laughed this much in months!!! I got to get you and my Mom together–she dreds when I see Eileen because I usually come home with food options that are not event fit for rabbits!!! I am about to embark on the 3-day juice cleansing; I will drop you a note when I am done. Bless your wife, she has contributed to many changes in me.

    • Eileen
      Posted at 20:57h, 20 April Reply

      Please let us know how the cleanse goes! You’re a beast and this will be just something else you accomplish.

      As for your mom… pobresita!

  • Adriana
    Posted at 13:46h, 20 April Reply

    Go Led!!! I am so proud of you! It is wonderful that you are a supporting husband. Can’t wait to read your book!!!

    • Eileen
      Posted at 20:57h, 20 April Reply

      Support is so underrated. I’m not sure how I would’ve gotten through this.

  • Sarita
    Posted at 15:18h, 20 April Reply

    “I’m not joining my wife’s weird food cult…” But… you kinda did when you did the cleanse. Haha!

    • Eileen
      Posted at 20:58h, 20 April Reply


  • Tasha
    Posted at 10:55h, 24 April Reply

    I LOVE it! AND quinoa.
    And are you my husband’s brother? :). Great way to offer support!

    • Eileen
      Posted at 13:01h, 24 April Reply

      They must be related… maybe all men are!

  • Rose Soto
    Posted at 23:23h, 26 April Reply

    You are SUPER HILARIOUS y LOCO…had me ROTFL!!! U a natural born comedian!!
    I can see you and John Leguizamo paired up doing a comedy on Broadway!! Maybe give it a name like “Chuleta Frita con Mangu y Queso” LOL!!!. Eileen can be part your wife and sister of John and she will play role of carnivores latina turned vegan, juicing her greens and serving it along side the chuelta frita y mangu LMBO!!!
    I think it’ll be a smashing hit with the Latino Community!
    I’m Loving this Blog!!!

    • Eileen
      Posted at 10:43h, 27 April Reply

      Ay Dios mio Rosie… que risa! I love the idea. You better copyright it before I steal it. Thanks for the kind words on the blog!

  • KEL
    Posted at 10:13h, 27 April Reply

    My Man LED, this was hilarious to read bro. Glad you made it! I’m a look into that also.

  • Beverly Facey
    Posted at 21:17h, 05 May Reply

    I enjoyed reading this article very much. It was so real and I laughed so much. It was hilarious. Great job.

    • Eileen
      Posted at 21:25h, 05 May Reply

      My husband is a crazy crazy man… yet he refers to me that way. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • Dj Boy
    Posted at 17:25h, 10 May Reply

    I’m losing my friends!
    Ah, you guys are going to sneak a veggie burger on my plate one day aren’t you? Congrats on the completion though, you did act different afterwards too. Let’s see if it lasts, maybe I’ll try it….aaaaaaaahahahaha, yeah, right.

    • Eileen
      Posted at 22:37h, 10 May Reply

      DJ Boy on a juice cleanse would be my ultimate joy… oh wait, that rhymes! Anyway, lucky you he’s not changing quick enough… you are far from losing your friend!

      • Dj Boy
        Posted at 00:25h, 11 May Reply

        Lol. A mamajuana brunch is hard to pass on.
        You should be a health rapper.

  • Terrence
    Posted at 19:41h, 25 May Reply

    My wife is a health coach. So I’m gettin cleansed ALL THE TIME. She just makes stuff and before you know it, SHABOWWWW!!! Cleanse . . .
    She takes “wife being on to something” to a new HIGH!!! I do love the way I’m feeling, so it’s cool.

    • Eileen
      Posted at 20:49h, 25 May Reply

      Ahhh… so there you have it another helpless victim who ends up appreciating the crazy! Thanks for the comment Terrence. I enjoy hearing all about husband health torture!

  • Ester
    Posted at 09:45h, 30 April Reply

    Led is hilarious! I can relate with all of this, because it sounds all too familiar (my hubby & I) LOL. I really enjoyed reading this article. They say “don’t knock it untill you try it” and although Led says he’s not joining the cult (LOL) atleast now he understands the importance of it. Great job! 😀

    • Eileen
      Posted at 10:11h, 30 April Reply

      Now if only I could get him to do this again with me…. Pray for me, Ester. I’m so glad I’m not the only wife going through this!!!

      • Ester
        Posted at 02:45h, 01 May Reply

        I feel you Eileen, it seems like the only way I can get my hubby to get on the health wagon (unconsciously) is by sneaking all the “good” stuff in when I cook, without him knowing whats in it. I also don’t bring anything I don’t want them to eat in the house at all, I figured if we don’t have it they can’t eat it; well at least at home. With all the treatments & meds I gained 50 lbs. & recently I lost 20lbs of it, and so he looks at me and said “I need to get on that train your on” I said “what train?” he said “the one you are on with all that green juicing stuff.” I finally got through to him even if it’s just juicing for now. So yes, my dear I will pray for yours and you cross your fingers for mines, LOL 😀

  • Carolina
    Posted at 18:51h, 26 May Reply

    I was dying reading this! LOL! Is there video footage?

    • Eileen
      Posted at 20:31h, 26 May Reply

      That right there, is a great idea!!! Next time (if there is one), I will definitely record it 😉

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